MY FIRST TEN TWEETS

1. I always say “God Bless” instead of “Fuck You.”  It disarms the wrong-doer, and I know what I meant.

2. My new project is to Tweet the entire works of Shakespeare.  Here it goes:  “O for a muse

3. of fire that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention.  A kingdom for a stage, princes to act and

4. I’m shelving the Shakespeare project.  I was only doing it to be interviewed about it on TV, and now I'm doubtful that would happen.

5. According to the TV ad for Celebrex, one of its possible side effects is death, and it’s not even the worst one.

6. The secret to winning an acting Emmy is to be on a show that’s winning writing Emmys.  They’ll think you’re a good actor.

7. When someone says “It is what it is,” to justify their bad behavior, what they mean is “I’m guilty of what it is, but bite me.”

8. Before I left my totaled car at the impound lot, I gave it a lengthy goodbye hug.  Don’t judge. 

9.  My resting face looks more downcast every year, so I force a slight smile in public.  It might seem phony, but it keeps people from thinking that I'm always ABOUT TO KILL MYSELF.

10. God Bless.

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